Earlier this March, a team of professional archaeologists and anthropology students made a profound and startling discovery in the back of the Anthropology Department of SUNY Geneseo: a projectile point.

Attention! Attention SUNY Geneseo students! The college’s president, Dr. Painted T. Ree, has announced that New York’s Public Honors College will be receiving a new mascot, effective immediately.

As the semester comes to an end, we wanted to recap the Campus Treasure that has been known but never found for the last six decades.

In a situation which experts are calling “deeply serious and mildly concerning,” the vaquita porpoise, previously believed to be one of the rarest marine mammals on Earth, has now announced tentative plans to overthrow the Mexican government. This is reportedly expected to happen either sometime “very soon” or “never,” though those claims cannot be substantiated, as no one is able to properly speak porpoise. 

On Mar. 23, 2026, the moon suddenly and mysteriously disappeared from Earth’s orbit.

On Aug. 23, 2024, all members of the Geneseo community received an email from President Denise Battles. In this email, Battles announced that she would conclude her presidential service in the summer of 2025. It is with great respect that we say farewell to Denise Battles and display a grand welcome to SUNY Geneseo’s new President— and his name is John Cena.

Recently, a ridiculous rumor has spread that Kalani Hilliker and Jojo, from the iconic show Dance Moms (2011-2019), have started dating. While I can confirm that this is, unfortunately, true, I do not have to be happy about it

Dear Miranda,

We’ve all seen the memes and testimonies about Claire’s Piercing and Jewelry store, but I’m here to tell you— it’s true. Back in 2021, a business representative met with the former Dean of Students to solidify a partnership between Claire’s and the Lauderdale Health Clinic.

Citizens worldwide forget that having a group of people is crucial to maintaining their health and happiness. Sadly, this has become an epidemic of forgetfulness and ingratitude and is now reaching critical levels. Naturally, this can only pertain to one clear entity: Walls.