Vaquita porpoises to overthrow the Mexican government
A once endangered species seeks revenge
Photo courtesy of Paula Olson, NOAA/Wikimedia Commons
In a situation which experts are calling “deeply serious and mildly concerning,” the vaquita porpoise, previously believed to be one of the rarest marine mammals on Earth, has now announced tentative plans to overthrow the Mexican government. This is reportedly expected to happen either sometime “very soon” or “never,” though those claims cannot be substantiated, as no one is able to properly speak porpoise.
Covered in The Lamron a few weeks ago, it was reported that for years, conservationists insisted that the vaquita population had dwindled to fewer than 20 individuals. Reasons such as illegal fishing practices and habitat loss were all major factors of this. However, new evidence suggests this was all an elaborate ruse propagated by the vaquita porpoise population, whose numbers are well in the hundred thousands.
The porpoises are enacting a plan similar to that of Rio 2 (2014), which is cited as a main inspiration of their revolt, reporting that they have been in hiding. As Aquatic News Daily warns in their article “On Porpoise? No Accidents here,” they are “biding their time, waiting to rally themselves to take over the Mexican government!”—a government which they point out is the reason their numbers had dwindled to so few in the past.
“They weren’t endangered,” said one anonymous marine biologist who requested anonymity “for obvious evil porpoise-related reasons.” “They were just hiding. Like, insanely well. Frankly, it’s a little embarrassing for us. We should’ve listened to Brooke and protected them more. Maybe they wouldn’t have revolted.”
According to leaked underwater communications which consisted of a series of highly suspicious bubble patterns, the vaquitas have been secretly organizing for decades. What humans interpreted as “low population numbers” was actually a strategic dispersal tactic known among the species as Operation: Flippercloak.
“They’ve been watching us this whole time,” said the anonymous biologist, “learning our weaknesses. Learning that we can’t breathe underwater and are easily confused by their synchronized swimming circles.”
The vaquita’s grievances appear to stem from what they describe as “a total lack of respect” from Mexican fishing policies, as per their spokesporpoise, Carlos Pescado-Porpoisé. In a strongly worded statement translated from high-pitched clicking noises, the group stated: “You did not protect us. You left us to deal with the nets. Now we will deal with you.”
The plan, Under Water Digest reports, involves a multi-phase operation. Phase One consists of continuing to be “extremely small and difficult to detect,” followed by a poignant Phase Two where they “gain control of key coastal regions through adorable intimidation.” Finally, in Phase Three, they lay out plans to “replace all government officials with slightly smaller, wetter versions of themselves.”
Citizens in coastal areas have already reported unusual activity. “I saw something in the water,” said one fisherman. “It looked at me like it was reading my thoughts. Then it did a backflip. I think that was a threat.”
Government officials have yet to respond, though one spokesperson reportedly muttered, “We really should have taken those conservation meetings more seriously.”
Meanwhile, other marine animals are said to be watching closely. Dolphins have expressed a “professional curiosity,” while octopi declined to comment but were seen “taking notes with alarming efficiency,” according to the Vice Advisor of the Underwater Nation’s Council (UNC).As tensions rise and developments continue throughout delegations this week, one thing is clear: the vaquita porpoise is done playing around.