SUNY Geneseo announces its new mascot
Students bid farewell to Victor E. Knight, but he assures students they do not have to go nutty over this new transition
Photo courtesy of Liv Popielarski
"nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts...."
Attention! Attention SUNY Geneseo students! The college’s president, Dr. Painted T. Ree, has announced that New York’s Public Honors College will be receiving a new mascot, effective immediately. Students will say farewell to Victor E. Knight with a ceremony on the college green, tonight at 8 p.m. Light refreshments will be available to purchase with retail dollars; some sources, such as the official website for the Students for Squirrels movement, have claimed it was Victor himself who was too greedy to offer the snacks for free.
Geneseo’s new mascot, Dr. Squirrelock Holmes, will be holding his welcome reception on Friday, Apr. 3, in Milne Library at 1 p.m. However, the college has asked students to keep the reception quiet, as other students may be in the library studying. Dr. Squirrelock Holmes is only a squirrel, so he will not be speaking at the welcome reception regardless.
Dr. Holmes, however, did agree to give a statement to The normaL about taking on his new role as President of SUNY Geneseo. When asked about what he was most interested in improving on the campus, although The normaL staff was unable to determine exactly what he stated, as he does not speak English, we noted him excitedly shaking his tail towards a garbage can, which we have assumed to mean that his first measure as president will be to change the garbage cans on campus, specifically the ones closest to Mary Jemison dining hall, to be much shorter—presumably to make it easier for himself and other squirrels to retrieve food from them (he may not speak English, but he does understand that Mary Jemison offers the best meals on campus).
As per Squirrellovers.com, before Dr. Holmes made the switch to a career in higher education, he led a long and productive career as a detective. Dr. Holmes does have a long history in Geneseo, New York, having lived in the town for his entire six years of life thus far. In 2020, Dr. Holmes began his detective career working in the movie theater on Lakeville Road. His position was Lead Detective on the Popcorn Task Force Committee, with the ultimate goal of investigating which movie-goers were dropping popcorn buckets and leaving the theaters without picking up their trash. Dr. Holmes’s career initially got off to a slow start, as no one attended the movie theater in 2020 due to the COVID-19 pandemic. But showing his resilient attitude,which President Painted T. Ree has praised, Dr. Holmes was able to work his way up the ranks, eventually serving as Head Nut-tective of Geneseo PD.
Victor E. Knight was quoted in an exclusive front page interview with Retired Mascots Weekly magazine about his time at SUNY Geneseo and his future plans. Sharing his opinion on Dr. Squirrelock Holmes, Knight commented, “I am happy for him and I wish him the best of luck, especially on crossing the road on Main Street to get to campus. I asked the bus driver if he could give our new mascot lifts to campus occasionally, to save Dr. Holmes from meeting a tragic fate with a car…” Victor E. Knight also shared some details on his future plans. “I am looking forward to taking this mask off and hanging up my sword. It was becoming quite heavy to carry around, especially on the walks from southside to the Union for Starbucks,” he explained. Lastly, he reassured students, “Do not miss me too much! I’m so excited to take this opportunity to announce my verbal commitment to Geneseo’s Division III hockey team, the Geneseo Ice Knights, to begin my athletic career. I would like to thank Geneseo’s Zamboni driver for always steering me in the right direction, and the Geneseo Pep Band, who has agreed to play loud enough so that fans do not hear my armor clanking on the ice.”
Dr. Squirrelock Holmes asked The normaL, we believe, due to his jumping and chewing on the sign which states this information during his meeting with our journalists, to share his open office hours schedule. His office will be in the bushes near the gazebo and his office hours will be whenever he is not out and about, busy collecting acorns. While Dr. Holmes seems very excited to meet Geneseo students, his sign reads that the cost of a meeting with him will be two cheese burritos from Mary Jemison. He prefers them with lettuce and tomato, and extra guacamole.