Becoming a pretentious film bro: A guide

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Have you ever dreamed of waking up one day just a little bit more insufferable, pretentious, and self-titled as a cinephile? Well, aren’t you in luck! Here are some essential steps to achieving the ultimate film bro status (in a world that could always use more of them):

It’s a film, NOT a movie: Firstly, you must understand that referring to a film as a “movie” is absolutely unacceptable and straight disrespect. It is crucial that you always refer to them as “films.” When appropriate (or inappropriate), you may also apply terms like “feature” or “picture.”

Words to add to your vocabulary: Additionally, using terms like dichotomy, nihilistic, niche, “peak cinema,” auteur, pacing, and mise-en-scène are essential to sounding like a kitchy—I mean, sophisticated—film expert! That being said, be sure to use these terms liberally, whether they fit or not. (It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense!) 

Films you should know and worship: Fight Club (1999), Taxi Driver (1976), American Psycho (2000), The Wolf of Wall Street (2013), and Pulp Fiction (1994) are just a few of the classics you must recognize and adore. Extra points if you can recite iconic scenes and monologues or proudly wear tees featuring their posters!

Holy grail directors: Christopher Nolan, Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino, David Fincher—these are your favorite directors, the best in the game. It is crucial that you know your top films by them and can casually drop their names in conversation. To you, these are some of the only adequate directors in cinema. Note: If you mention a female director, do so only to dismiss their work as “too indie” or “not gritty enough.”

Create a Letterboxd account and post like you know everything…becausee you do: Your voice matters! With opinions so superior, insightful, and informative, it would be a waste not to proudly and confidently share your thoughts with amateur so-called “film enthusiasts.” 

Surface level is better than nothing: The films you like are mainstream for a reason! Some will argue that you may be missing the themes and idolizing toxic characters, but this is untrue. You like what you like, what can we say, the characters are tuff and misunderstood! Remember: if you haven’t argued online about whether the Joker is a misunderstood antihero, are you even a film bro?

The Dark Knight (2008) isn’t one of their favorite films? It's time to shake your head and put your foot down!: It is imperative that you look down on those whose favorite films are not one of the top four (we touched on earlier). How could this be possible? These amateurs don’t understand what cinema truly is. Especially if it's directed by a woman or features a female protagonist, boringggg! The key takeaway is YOU are responsible for letting these amateurs know what true cinema really is because you know ball!!

The darker, the grittier the better: Don’t worry about broadening your horizons, you know what you like and what’s best, so stick with it. People along the way may tell you to try something different, but let's be honest—it is not cinema without violence and grit!

So there you have it, a foolproof blueprint to embracing your inner pretentious film bro. Now go forth, stay unapologetically pretentious!