I’ve been given the privilege this week to come on here and speak out against the indecent media our younger generation addictively consumes. As a mom of four kids and a recent Geneseo graduate (class of ‘90), I advocate that our little darlings should not be allowed to read. The story you’re about to hear isn’t pretty, like my fellow Parent Teacher Association (PTA) member who hasn’t been pulling her weight in our carpooling system (and trust me, she has a lot of weight): Susan. Susan, if you're reading this, your little Timothy is walking home next week; #sorrynotsorry. 

Finally, the time has come when the age of Aquarius—a time of harmony and perfection throughout all of humanity—has approached. The world's saviors, Elon Musk, creator of Tesla and SpaceX, and internet sensation and icon, Trisha Paytas, have at last come together to ensure the immaculate rebirth of her second child. 

“Karma’s a bitch,” but Jojo Siwa is a genius. Siwa has gone from a high ponytail-wearing, bow-making, Nickelodeon star to an alternative, tattoo-covered butch lesbian icon. She has rocked the world with the rebrand of the century. Unlike other artists before her who have struggled to bridge the gap between being a child star and having a serious adult career, Jojo Siwa has meticulously and perfectly executed the switch. There are no wrecking balls here, only total bad girl vibes and black rhinestones. 

As SUNY Geneseo prepares to join the Empire 8 conference, the Knights intend to add an esports team to their list of varsity squads. Shortened from “electronic sports,” esports have been sweeping the world with competitions that feature anything from simulated football to simulated warfare. The TechKnights, as they will be known, are expected to become the most popular team on campus, overtaking Geneseo’s coveted Ice Knights.

Yes. I actually did this—over the course of two days, I visited each and every men’s bathroom with the academic buildings on SUNY Geneseo’s campus. Though bathroom critique is no perfect science, I used six general criteria to determine where each bathroom fell in the lineup. These were: overall aesthetic, sink water pressure, quality and quantity of toilet paper, whether or not there was soap, comfort of urination, and comfort of defecation. 

For the past number of weeks, Shohei Ohtani’s long-time friend and interpreter Ippei Mizuhara has been under investigation. In a very complicated storyline, Mizuhara allegedly transferred four and a half million dollars from Ohtani’s account, and has been officially accused of “massive theft.” This theft has been connected to an illegal bookmaker, the title for somebody who illegally collects bets in anticipation of paying out if the bettor wins. The baseball world is waiting for an answer. Many feel that Ohtani’s interpreter may be covering for Ohtani himself—even though the initial allegation was against Mizuhara. Everyone wants to know who’s behind this illegal act to get a sense of justice, but not me. My main concern: who has the locks?

When I look back upon the man I once was before selling my soul to the inhuman amalgamation colloquially known as journalism, I’m plagued by nightmares of something I desperately labored to leave behind: Italians. Regardless of what I do or what form of media I branch out into, there they are—even when I look in the mirror, I cannot escape that 50% of myself. It has risen to the point where I get berated and harassed daily by these creatures, who are actively forcing me to push along more Italian-favoring media, so I present the unholy, fever-ridden trilogy known as The Godfather (Fuck you, you don’t get the year). 

Reddit is a popular social media forum site that is composed of a variety of pages or “subreddits” which cover things from popular media like Love is Blind to giving situational advice, such as in the infamous Am I the Asshole (AITA) subreddit. Now, the general public seems to give Reddit a bad reputation for being a space that is prone to hosting the chronically online or inundating its users into the manosphere, but I would like to counter that thought process. I feel that it is unfair that Reddit's users are automatically seen as “undateable losers” just because of the website they choose to use. 

After news broke regarding football star Aaron Rodgers being considered as a running-mate for Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the sports and political worlds have been in an uproar. In a shocking twist, Rodgers has announced that he will, actually, be running solo. The 40-year-old quarterback has won an MVP award, or four, and is known outside the game for his public views on the topic of vaccines.

SUNY Geneseo currently offers two dining plan options, one with unlimited swipes and one with copious amounts of retail dollars. These may be all good and dandy for freshmen, but upperclassmen often become bored of these after the first year. That is why I have created a new dining plan and Geneseo is going to instate it, because I told them to. 

If you were a kid with daddy issues, you were probably sitting nice and pretty ready to watch some of the best, and sometimes worst, television made for children during the 2000s and 2010s. Here’s my rating of some of the most memorable offerings for kids produced for Cartoon Network during that period, from best to worst. This will probably hurt me more than it’ll hurt you. 

For all those who are trying to reconnect with nature, this dirt cake recipe is perfect. This recipe was hand-crafted by an exclusive chef from the mean streets of Bethel NY, where mud and dirt are aplenty.  

Last night a local cover band by the name of The Composts played a gig at sushi restaurant, Drumroll. They were the penultimate act out of thirteen and were followed only by the night’s long-anticipated main act. Whether due to sushi-induced-food-comas, or the fact that it was close to 1 a.m., by the time the band hit the stage, attendees did not seem to be notably phased by what myself and the restaurant owners are dubbing the “worst band ever.”

Spring break has just passed, and a large number of people are returning from tropical locations. Those who went have come back with glowing tans from the natural rays of the sun. Many of those, though, that do not travel to warmer locations still desire that “glowing goddess” look, even in the winter. Yet, those self-tanners may cause some to end up with patchy or unnaturally orange tans. 

The only people whose opinions are correct in the world pertaining to movies are those of the Film Bros, and even though this is an undeniable fact, there is a major issue with these individuals that not enough people are discussing…they all have it wrong.

Jaw-dropping sunset views, the singing of frat row, and the smell of fresh cow in the early morning—you know what that must mean! Love Island UK is back for the summer! This year, due to gloomy weather and an impressive overselling by the college, the 2024 season that was originally set to be filmed in Franschhoek, South Africa, will now be filmed on our very own SUNY Geneseo campus.

According to an anonymous psychic’s vision, The Lamron office is said to burn down from arson on Mar. 31, 2023. The University Police Department (UPD) is investigating the case, and they do have some leads.

On Friday, Mar. 31, a Geneseo student was shocked when they made their way into the women’s bathrooms in the basement of MacVittie Union to find a swarm of Teddy Bears covered in a white powdery substance. 

If you, an innocent passerby, were to stumble into a staff meeting in The Lamron office some fine Monday evening, it would not be surprising to hear the angelic voice of Kaitlin Anzalone proclaiming that “we are a family.” Sounds endearing, right? 

Have you ever walked into a room and had someone say to you, “it smells like updog in here”? You may be thinking that it is just a silly little ditty to get you to say “what’s updog?” but there seems to be much more than meets the eye here. Anecdotes having to do with this elusive “updog” are likely a dog-whistle phrase (no pun intended) for an undercover operations division of the University Police Department (UPD). According to whispers around campus, the University Police Dark Ops in Geneseo, otherwise known as the UPDOG, has been operating in secret around campus since SUNY Geneseo’s establishment in 1871.