After nearly three years of little to no progress on the renovation of the Milne Library, it has been announced that a new batch of asbestos will be embedded into the building’s core. This comes after several semesters of construction at the cost of millions of dollars, though the decision has growing support from students. 

Given its location in a small town, SUNY Geneseo’s nightlife is less than ideal, especially for those who are under the age of 21. Even then, although Main Street heralds a decent bar scene, it lacks any clubs or other “dancing facilities,” let alone any that are open after 2 a.m. Well, fear not, Geneseo partiers, because Geneseo’s hottest club is on the horizon, and it’s not what you’re expecting. 

Imagine the surprise of countless Geneseo students when they awoke yesterday morning (Mar. 30 2023) to not only the corpses of the damned floating into their living spaces, but also wet toes (which is objectively worse). You heard that right, folks—due to the recent onslaught of storms wreaking havoc on campus, the Tombs of Asinus, sealed by our very first college president back in 18… something, has been unearthed.

Have you ever craved eggs? Me neither! Eggs are actually the most disgusting food out there, and the fact that we as humans eat cooked embryos makes me understand why we are killing the earth and destroying the ozone layer despite scientists’ warnings that we are eliminating our chances at long-term life on this planet. Anyway, here is a fun recipe that will get you on your RA’s shit list faster than you can say “green eggs and ham!”

Happy April Fool’s Day fools! We got the short end of the stick this week and had to write Invasion of Privacy, so we decided to play God by putting two random strangers in a Zoom room and asking them a bunch of questions about The Lamron. These two lucky strangers ended up being our (Frances and Carly’s) respective dads.

It has come to The Lamron’s attention that the various shrimps on campus are having too much sex. As alarming as this may seem, many questions arise: where are these shrimps coming from? How are they reproducing so fast? How will this impact the Geneseo student body? Only time will tell, but I have done some investigating as to what could be amiss. 

Welcome back to the Parrises Squares season folks! Another season of smacking around a floating iron ball into a goal and directly at your opponents. For those of you who may not know, Parrises Squares is a sport that involves a floating iron ball that players use a stick to move across a pyramid shaped field. One end of the stick has a scoop for scooping, one has a mallet for malleting. 

Testicles, balls, nuts, the ol’ family jewels. There is no part of the body that needs more protection than the baby-makers. Yes, the brain in your head is important, but not as important as the brain between your legs; however, more and more athletes are free-balling it in their baseball pants.

Apparently, the sports section has to cover “actual sports” now, but I was able to get this article past the editors straight to print. It’s time to get funky and rank some balls.

After not making it to Superbowl LIV, Josh Allen was discouraged and depressed. He has since decided that his career as a National Football League (NFL) quarterback is over. The Buffalo Bills made it to the playoffs, won against the Miami Dolphins, and then lost to the Cincinnati Bengals who went on to play the Kansas City Chiefs, who then won the Super Bowl. Allen announced through his Instagram on Monday, Mar. 27 that he is retiring to pursue his newfound passion for making and selling soap. He claimed in his post that the loss was embarrassing enough to encourage him to find new hobbies, and he has since decided that the only way to move forward in his life is to venture into the art of soap-making.

On Wednesday, Mar. 28, the production leaders at Warner Bros. Entertainment reached out to the sports editors of The Lamron to reveal the name, stars, release date, and some pretty major plot points about one of their upcoming films. Ace Ventura 3: The Battle for Victor, starring Jim Carrey and President of SUNY Geneseo Denise Battles in their search for the missing Knights’ mascot, Victor E. Knight, is set to release on Feb. 30, 2024. 

I’m not wasting time with pleasantries. Let’s get into it.

There isn’t a better time to bring up how AWFUL Taylor Swift and her music is than right now with the beginning of her so-called “Eras” tour. More like “Lame-ras”! Here’s the definitive worst of the worst Swift songs. ALSO, it’s only six songs because I CAN’T COUNT HIGHER AND MY MOM SAID YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF ME!!!

Who hasn’t doodled a penis in their time? Not many of us. 

Hey guys. Last year, I (an anonymous, disembodied head hidden in the motherboard of the computers in The Lamron office, charged with coming up with article ideas for this godforsaken publication until Lucifer releases my soul from this—the deepest circle of hell) wrote an article with two anonymous staff members where we ranked each astrology sign based on how good they were in bed. That article made a lot of people pretty mad, so this year I’ve decided to write something even more offensive—THE ADVICE THAT EACH OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SHOULD BE FUCKING LISTENING TO.

If you’re as addicted to TikTok as I am, chances are that your For You Page has been flooded with Hunger Games videos as of recent due to the series’s resurgence in popularity after it was put on Netflix this month. I’ve seen so many different Hunger Games videos, but my favorite videos by far are where people recast the twelve district’s tributes with famous people or characters from shows or movies. These are very entertaining, but I’ve noticed something missing: there are no videos that tell me which district each Geneseo campus organization would be in!  Don’t worry, dear reader, for I have taken the time to painstakingly write this article and feed your curiosity.  Without further ado, because I know you’ve been on the edge of your seat, here is the Hunger Games: Geneseo Edition.

Hello all, and welcome to a review of the single best movie franchise ever made: The Twilight Saga. These movies fucking slap and I’m unashamed to admit that. Nothing could have prepared me for the acid-like trip this watch would take me down, conveying elaborate and philosophically sophisticated themes, culminating in the single best viewing experience I’ve ever had. 

The Backyardigans look like a rag-tag group of animal-like things that are best friends who solve mysteries. The animal-things include the following: an orange moose thing, a blue penguin, some type of bug or something pink with antennae (I have no idea), the purple thing that looks like a kangaroo, and finally the yellow thing in the orange dress that looks like a hippo.

Keep this between you and me, but I’m about to put you on to the most secret, underground, up-and-coming indie artist of the 2020s. Born and raised in Reading, PA, this artist has been writing and creating music for over fifteen years, but has struggled to become a household name, selling less than 115 million albums over the course of her career. Yesterday, I walked around campus playing her music through my boombox, and had several students stop me on the street, wanting to hear more and making comments like, “Wow, this is so alternative,” “Oh my gosh—who is this voice I’ve never heard before,” and “Now, THIS is the kind of music I wish they’d play in T.J. Maxx, but it’s just too underground and avant garde.”