Okay people, as you can see this is NOT The Lamron, your regular tomfuckery college newspaper. Here are the rules for The Lamron writers….

Beloved Geneseo mascot Victor E. Knight was found unconscious and intoxicated sprawled on the fountain last night.

Sports—colleges love ‘em, students do ‘em, and personally, I don’t really understand why. In my understanding, sports on college campuses are basically an assortment of seemingly strategized movements to elicit a response, either victorious pride or miserable despair, from their audience. However, I believe that we could accomplish these same feats with much more interesting tactics.

If you live in one of the residence halls here at Geneseo, you might have heard some intriguing, elusive, rotund noises bounding about as you get ready for class or spend time in your dorm room. This past weekend Geneseo authorities finally found the source of this great clatter—and it is not what anyone expected.

In an email to the student body from Campus Auxiliary Services (CAS) Captain Boobed Bimbim, CAS stated that they were aware of the recent student complaints over undercooked chicken in campus dining halls. Bimbim said that while CAS administration had previously considered taking action to address the problems, the uncooked chicken had recently conglomerated and gained consciousness. 

As we all know, college students are broke, often relying on gross dining hall food or the greasy takeout available to us here in Geneseo. For a nice break, here is a cheap and simple recipe for. miso-glazed lobster tails and sesame bok choy!

Well, this article is coming right out of the purple, so buckle up, we are going for a ride. Today, I will be ranking the Teletubbies by color. Disclaimer: I am color blind, so this will be interesting.

Poison. Yep, poison. 

CAS food is out to kill, and the administration is behind it all. 

As of June 30, 2022, the painted tree on the Sturges quad will be removed. Due to much controversy regarding its presence, last Wednesday’s campus meeting voted to remove the tree this summer. The tree has been an iconic Geneseo symbol since the tradition of painting it began back in the 60s, but many administrators feel it is time for it to come down for good.

I know, for the ladies, it can be quite difficult to attract a suitable man to take care of you and your future children, but I have some key tips to find and nail down the right one. 

You may know of The Lamron as the newspaper you put down on your floor for your dog to pee on, the kindle of the fire that you burn in the Onondaga field to feel something, or the stuff you used to wipe your butt with. Little might you know, however, that The Lamron is also a student publication, made by real-life people who actually “work” on it.

We have gotten word from an anonymous student that their friend Jack Signal has been hoarding 69 animals for two weeks, including over spring break, in dorm room 420.

As the semester progresses, new developments in health and wellness have come forth, courtesy of the SUNY Geneseo Facilities Office.

Students campus-wide woke up yesterday morning to flocks of thicc, flightless birds (not penguins) surrounding all major eating establishments in SUNY Geneseo. The Orwellian nightmare seems to have come about overnight, the University Police Department (UPD) being too distracted by giving out parking tickets to notice the flocks being moved into position.

Riding off the great success that the Geneseo Ice Knights have accomplished this season, the State University of New York Athletic Conference and SUNY Geneseo have made the decision to rename the ice hockey team. There was a lot of chatter going back and forth between head coach Chris Schultz and assistant coach Kris Heeres to decide what they should rename their team. Names thrown around included: the Geneseo Ice Kangaroos, the Geneseo Ice Koalas, and the Geneseo Ice Kittens.