Geneseo tour guides quit after securing role on television
Photo courtesy Donald Tong/Pexels
The SUNY Geneseo admissions office is in a state of panic. The admissions counselors walked into the office last Friday morning to find each tour guide's uniform in a big pile with a note saying, “We have swords up for the last time.”
As they walked further into the office, the counselors noticed supplies were missing. Items missing included all 500 complimentary cookies set out for families, one stapler, and five chairs. On the big television screen was a selfie of all the tour guides in a party bus with the caption “Off to LA bitches!” As the counselors sat down to crack the case, they realized… all 44 tour guides have quit.
My correspondent reached out to a prominent tour guide, who shall remain nameless, to get some insight on the sudden departure of all 44 of Geneseo’s tour guides. They stated that the creator of Grey's Anatomy (2005- ) and Scandal (2012-2018), Shonda Rhimes, reached out to them about a new script for television she was working on that focused on college tour guides.
The show is set to start filming at the beginning of April and will be streaming on Tubi TV. The normaL was informed that each of the 44 Geneseo tour guides are guaranteed 15 minutes of screen time. The show will follow a small liberal arts college by the name of Shiz University. Shonda will dip her toes into a mockumentary style, similar to shows including The Office (2005-2013) and Abbott Elementary (2021- ).
In the show, Shiz University is suffering from a decrease in enrollment. Shiz hires a company to help fix this enrollment issue. The head project manager, played by Trisha Paytas, will be coordinating the tour guides to improve their tours.
The tour guide's hourly wage will be 75 dollars for every minute they are featured on the show. But if one of them can secure a spot on stage next to Zara Larsson for the “Lush Life” dance, then their hourly wage will increase by 35 percent.
Despite this exciting opportunity for each and every Geneseo tour guide, the admissions office is still in crisis mode. Just this week, untrained guides including school mascot Victor E. Knight, therapy dog Peggy-Ilean, and one of those porch geese in the Union were seen giving tours.
My correspondent asked current students what their thoughts were when they saw these new tour guides. One, bearing an eerily close resemblance to a former Fox News anchor, said “What are we doing? What’s going on?” Another student stated their confusion: “I already feel like a zoo animal with those tours watching me. Now we have geese giving tours? What does that make me… a zoo goose?”
Outrage persists as the admissions office struggles to replace their guides. Who will they find to willingly work in a negative 20-degree wind chill? Who will they find to work while walking backwards? Who will they find when those tour guides were irreplaceable? The admissions counselors are heartbroken as they lost their favorite team players to fame.
With that being said, they are desperately looking for new guides. If you are interested in replacing current guides Victor E. Knight, Peggy-Ilean, and porch goose, please contact admissions counselor Shane Hollander. Applicants must be able to keep a positive demeanor, enjoy chocolate chip cookies, and have incredible strength in your calves. Serious inquiries only.