The Registration Games

It’s that time of year again: registration time. During this period, students vie for spots in classes, doing their best to create their ideal schedules. This semester, however, the good folks at KnightWeb have adopted a much more unorthodox system of class registration.

“We know that our class registration process has never been perfect,” Director of Research and Development at KnightWeb Robert McIver said. “And after a lot of brainstorming and planning, we are happy to unveil our revolutionary new method to register for classes: the Everdeen Enrollment Process.”

The idea behind the process is very simple: all students who want to register for a class are put in an arena and then have to fight for their right to take the course. Weapons will be provided, along with sponsors and their respective gifts.

“The most common issue when registering for classes that we have found is that more people want to take the class than there are seats available,” McIver said. “But, through the Everdeen Enrollment Process, we can really cut down on those numbers and lessen the headaches that we at KnightWeb have to deal with when going through registration.”

Of course, there is also a domino effect caused by this program. With fewer students taking classes, there will be fewer people to combat each other, making fighters a sought-after commodity.

The college can easily capitalize on this aftereffect by instituting a gambling program to go in tandem with the fights. Any student who wishes to bet may wager a portion of their tuition on the likelihood of his or her candidate making it into the class. This will help to galvanize the entire campus in getting involved with the process. After all, those who entered would have a chance to forego some of their college payments.

Some people may wonder about the legality of this new method of registration, but McIver has assured Geneseo that all parts of the process are completely within the college’s legal rights.

“There is a little known clause in the SUNY Geneseo constitution that grants KnightWeb complete, unchecked authority when faced with a crisis of registration,” McIver said. “We plan to use this capability to restore order to the process and to make Geneseo into the great college we know that it can be.”

No real structure to the way in which students will be placed into the arena exists. They simply must be willing to kill for their spot in the class.

“We believe that this will be instrumental in preparing our students for life after college,” Head Chairwoman of the Student Registration Committee Josephine Davidson said. “In the world after college, you never know what is going to come your way. One day, you might be working in a cubicle and the next you may be competing with others for a promotion. In those types of scenarios, you need to prove that you are worthy of what you are fighting for, and that’s what this registration process aims to train students for.”

The first round of battles will be held on the College Green on Wednesday Nov. 9. There will be food and drinks for sale and bleachers will be erected for the event. There will be 400 students engaged in combat for the 200 spots in BIO 101 at 8:30 a.m.

Let’s get ready to rumble.