Incidental Amusements

Whether you had an iPhone 5 or a 2008 Motorola RAZR, it was impossible to avoid the mindless virtual destruction of the new iOS 7 operating system as it emerged from Apple’s digitized womb on Sept. 18. Not a soul was spared as the campus Wi-Fi crumbled under the stress of countless eager downloads. Logging onto myCourses became impossible and students who normally watch cat videos and distort photos of Brad Pitt’s face during class had to resort to doodling in the margins of their notebooks.

I started my iOS 7 download the minute it was available, promptly at 1 p.m. I waited with glee, preparing to dish out a fresh dose of Apple-themed hate to all of my friends and acquaintances.

I spent the first 20 minutes imagining how they would laugh at my insightful complaints about the useless rearrangements and uninteresting new ringtones. With another 28 minutes of estimated download time, I did some homework, unable to keep my eyes off the glowing blue bar for more than 20 seconds at a time. At 10 minutes to completion, I looked for a diversion at Starbucks and waited 15 minutes for a tall drink and a scone.

I rushed back to my phone, scone in hand, preparing myself to experience the glory of redesigned app icons and 33 new backgrounds. I was met with disappointment when somehow 10 minutes remaining turned into 20 minutes, and I was faced with five minutes more to wait.

At this point in my journey to iOS 7 bliss, I was windblown, psychologically scarred and physically exhausted. Five more minutes were impossible. Sulking alone wouldn’t be enough consolation for me to bear the next five minutes.

Instead, I found some fellow iPhone users and jumped into a circular conversation of complaints about software downloads. When we weren’t discussing the endless download time, we were laughing at someone who said they didn’t want to download iOS 7 because they didn’t need it or they didn’t have enough space.

“Come on, just delete some stuff,” we said to them. “It’ll be worth it.”

Our reassurance was usually enough to get stragglers to part with half of their 1-year-old pictures and retired apps, even if we all knew we’d be trashing iOS 7 in a matter of hours. Thoroughly satisfied by the well-thought-out arguments and intelligent discourse of the iPhone-holding populous, I returned to my phone triumphant. The download was finished, but I still had to install the iOS 7 software onto my phone.

After an initial period of dejection when I contemplated going underground and sticking with iOS 6, I hit the install button. Then I got bored and walked away and forgot about my phone for a couple of hours.

When I finally explored iOS 7 for myself, all I did was change the background. When it comes to using the supposed new features, I’m lost. All I know is, when someone asks me, “Did you get iOS 7?” I can happily say yes.