Incidental Amusements

Have you heard? Probably. Wegmans has free stuff during September. You know how they say that there ain’t no such thing as free lunch? This is literally free lunch. We walk out of the store with a box of double-stuffed “W-Os” like thieves in the night only to be told to come back next week for free frozen pizzas. Right on. I’ll see you there, cashier Ryan.

And those coupon booklets they have? Yeah, no one keeps track of those. Stock up now and go back every day for your free stuff. There’s no shame in cheating the system. Trust me: Wegmans expects it of us, as college students. If you’re really paranoid about going back for a second set of coupons, pick up a mask from the Spirit Halloween store, conveniently in the same plaza. What motivates Wegmans to give away its off-brand packaged goodies to savage kids who each end up with 18 bottles of mouthwash and six different flavors of cookies? From a business perspective, the company can’t actually expect kids to love these familiar products so much that eventually they come back for more to pay real money for them, right? From another business perspective, Wegmans can’t actually care about the well-being of its customers by offering free things, can it? We’re talking profit maximization here, not consumer welfare.

When we’re dealing with free food, the stakes are high. With only one week per item, you need to be quick and on your toes. I remember last year Wegmans actually ran out of the frozen pizzas by the fourth day of free pizza week. All hell broke loose when Wegmans had no backup plan; not even DiGiorno could save us.

It’s the drive of students that motivates Wegmans, really; by “drive” I mean the ability to find free things – especially food – and totally exploit them to the point at which it’s almost inappropriate.

Because we go to a state school and we know what’s expected of us, seek out your opportunities immediately and exhaust the shit out of them. Wegmans coupons are just another way to pin students against one another to see who can make the biggest fiend of themselves in the rush toward the end. You got seven boxes of cereal? Well, I have 21 stashed in my room. Do you want to see the storage space I rented? It’s filled with Greek yogurt.

Another competition unfolds. Just as with anything, we want to be the best and let everyone know that it’s true; it’s in our blood.

It’s sickening, what they do, really. They’re like the The Hunger Games, Wegmans coupons. The company knows we’re competitive and knows we’re greedy. By taking us in our most vulnerable state, as hungry recipients of free food, it makes a gimmick out of us. We’re the laughing stock, the village idiots - don’t you get it?

You should never go back. If you’re smart, you’ll avoid that wretched place like the plague. Shop at Wal-Mart instead. Trust me. From one student to another, there is nothing to see at Wegmans, especially not free food.