The Ozone

The Board of Cash Cow Budgeting announced on Feb. 20 that due to further budget cuts it only has a single dollar bill remaining for the 2012-13 academic year. The board is currently deciding how to spend the remaining fund and is encouraging input from students and faculty.

Triumph Argentz, board spokesperson, said that the board was planning on spending the dollar on a single bar of chocolate.

 “It’s a difficult decision,” Argentz said. “On one hand, we have a lot of venues and facilities on campus in desperate need of funding. But if we were to find a golden ticket, Geneseo would have unlimited chocolate.”

Argentz said he understands that it’s a significant gamble but he also said that the dollar could cause unwanted tension among the various departments and organizations that would be competing for it.

Since the conference, many students have openly campaigned for a number of different programs the money could go towards.

Junior Tamera Plague, who developed a goiter due to the scarcity of nutrient-rich food, said she would like to see the dollar go towards higher-quality ingredients.

“I think a lot of students might be able to better focus in class if they didn’t have problems like scurvy and tapeworms,” Plague said. “And the company’s policy of using nothing but concentrated MSG to flavor all meat and produce leaves distracting and strange tastes in people’s mouths. Plus it makes their hair fall out.”

The art and music departments are also vying for the dollar to use for supplies and facilities.

“Students have started using whatever semi-liquids they can get their hands on for paint, and others have attempted to petrify stray animals and drowsy classmates to make sculptures,” Professor Renita Shawndee said.

No longer able to maintain normal instruments, the music department has converted all of its orchestras into Appalachian Bluegrass troupes, primarily using banjos, spoons and moonshine jugs.

Many students have also called for classroom renovations. This would include supplying the science departments with real equipment as opposed to repainted Playskool toys. Prospective educators want to hire real students to gain teaching experience before student teaching.

Jones Hall residents are asking for running water and functional windows and Onondaga Hall residents have said they would like air fresheners placed in every hallway.

Geneseo’s varsity football team wants to use the money to start existing.

“It’s hard leading a team that the college doesn’t have the funds to acknowledge in the first place. If we had a field and a ball, and maybe some players and a division to compete in, we might just show them what we’ve got,” senior Tebow Nilsen said.

Argentz said he was conflicted about supporting any campaign in particular.

“Truthfully, we’re probably going to go for the Wonka bar,” Argentz said. “We just have to get through a lot of paperwork and bureaucracy to decide who gets to eat it if there’s no golden ticket.”