The Ozone

My friend lives on north campus and he is too lazy to walk all the way to the dining hall for food. He eats from the food truck constantly and has gained a significant amount of weight. Is there a gift I can buy that will help him?

The best gift is an immediate detox diet. Head up to Main Street and buy him a large pizza, a garbage plate, an omelet with toast and hash browns and a brownie sundae. These gifts are a polite and festive way to say, “It’s blatantly obvious that you’ve eaten way too many Foghorn, Walter and Scrappy Doo snacks to fit into your jeans anymore.” Giving your friend a fresh start with more variety will get his health back to normal in no time.

My friend has a strange love for cats. She found a feral cat on the street the other day and has decided to adopt him. Is there a gift I can buy to help her out?

While the gifts that immediately come to mind may be a litter box, food or toys, you’d be doing your friend a favor if you gave her some cash to start a rabies shots fund. Taking care of this cat could go one of two ways: It could be adorable and great or an utter CATastrophe. She’ll likely thank you someday.

After I had to spend two weeks passive aggressively shushing loud students in the upstairs of Milne Library, I am completely dejected and stressed. I think that I deserve a gift more than anyone else. What should I buy myself?

Treat yourself to some earplugs and an air horn. Then save them for next semester to get your revenge. There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself every once in a while, and this is a gift that will keep on giving. No longer will you have to sit and let whispering couples and vibrating cell phones sabotage your study time. Instead, just let the blaring, earsplitting sound of the air horn do the aggressive shushing, but in a much more direct and helpful way.

My roommate is too involved on campus. I thought we’d be really great friends but I haven’t seen her since the first few days of school. She seems to be living in the College Union and we’re only freshmen! What can I give her to rekindle our friendship?

Why not spend a day together? It’s easy to bond over fun activities like a movie or an evening of baking. While it might seem difficult to get her attention – especially at this busy time of year – it’s simpler than you think. Wait until she’s asleep and then “accidentally” spill an entire bottle of water on her laptop and “clumsily” knock her cell phone out the window. Cutting off your roommate’s connections will allow you to give her the best gift of all: friendship.