The Ozone

On Wednesday Nov. 14, Campus Security apprehended a band of 26 students who were allegedly planning an elaborate takeover of a shuttle bus in an effort to escape awkward family reunions.

The officer heading the case, Lt. Bradley Mullan, said this recent bust is one of many cases in which students have gone to great lengths to avoid the anxieties of returning home.

“Every student with a ticket for the 12 p.m. shuttle was in on the scheme,” Mullan said. “We have evidence to support that they’ve been planning this for a good two months.”

According to Mullan, a stockpile of nonperishable food provisions was discovered beneath the bus flooring. These products were traced to senior Kenneth Dupont, who, upon interrogation, released the names of 25 accomplices.

The leader of the thwarted operation, junior Marcus Clayton, shared his reasoning behind the plan.

“The thought of spending another evening with my senile great aunt while my father shoots nasty looks at my uncle for neglecting my diabetic grandmother is horrifying,” Clayton said. “Most students I know are in a similar situation. Are we obligated to endure this torture?”

Clayton said the plan was to incapacitate the shuttle driver and take the bus on a countrywide road trip, culminating in a day at Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, Fla.

“It was going to be the trip of a lifetime,” Clayton said. “Much better than letting your father aggressively coerce you into joining an obligatory but mutually reluctant rockabilly jam session in the living room.”

Mullan said the endeavor was “meticulously planned and involved the cooperation of all 26 participants.” He said great effort was spent investigating the mechanics of the bus and ensuring unwilling students did not claim 12 p.m. tickets.

“The issue was that the shuttle company tracks these buses via satellite,” Clayton said. “To avoid suspicion we were going to take control while moving, then dislodge the GPS device and stick it to another vehicle heading downstate. By the time anyone knew something was wrong, we’d be clear across Pennsylvania!”

Participating chemistry major sophomore Suzie Shakes used a “research grant disguised as plans to improve campus food to develop a nonlethal paralytic serum which would quickly pacify the bus driver without causing him or her to veer off the road,” Mullan said. “Three other students took bus driving courses and received Class E licenses.”

Predetermined stops included Boston, Mass., Myrtle Beach, S.C., Six Flags Over Georgia in Atlanta, Ga. and Orlando, Fla. before returning to Geneseo.

“Now we get to help our mothers wash dishes and listen to them complain about uneven workloads while, at the same time, the aging men get drunk off of Sam Adams and scream at the television over a football game between two teams no one in the room actually follows,” Clayton said.

Mullan said that if convicted, the suspects will be sentenced to call their parents every day at 8 p.m. Not 8:15, 8 o’clock sharp.