Mr. Donald Trump, you recently offered to donate $5 million to a charity of President Barack Obama’s choosing if and only if he released his college records and applications by Wednesday Oct. 31.
Just the notion of a donation that big is truly admirable and inspiring. For that, I thank you, Mr. Trump, and would like to counter with an offer of my own: I will donate $100 to a charity of your choosing if you move to Siberia.
You see, your offer was made to the leader of the free world during what is a slightly busy period, and I worry that he may not have had time to thoughtfully consider your totally reasonable and not-at-all absurd proposal. And being that you seem to spend your time mediating conflicts between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf as part of your program “The Celebrity Apprentice,” I figured this counteroffer might reach you a little bit quicker.
Mr. Trump, I don't have the money that you have. As a college student, my idea of a balanced meal is two Chobani yogurts and a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. I was so moved by your offer, however, that I felt compelled to follow your lead of giving.
I’ve done all the research, Mr. Trump, and I think you'd really like it in Siberia. I know how preoccupied you can be with image and flashiness, and I can assure you that wherever you settle, you will have the biggest house for miles – mostly because you will have the only house for miles.
There are a few caveats. After you've settled in Siberia, you are not allowed to have any access to the Internet. No blog posts, no videos on your YouTube page and especially no tweeting. You will also have to give up your television programs. It will be tough, but I have faith in the resilience of the American people to overcome this devastating loss.
If these provisions seem tough or unfair, please know that I have your best intentions at heart. While you are in Siberia, I want you to truly become one with the land. Technology would detract from that process. Go for a brisk morning hike. Bore a hole in the ice and go fishing. Befriend a polar bear. Seriously, I want you to go up to a polar bear and try to befriend it. I can’t stress that last one enough.
Mr. Trump, your deep commitment to charity is evident. Without you, dozens of “Celebrity Apprentice” contestants would have been completely irrelevant years ago instead of just mildly irrelevant.
I have full faith that you will honor your charitable nature and take me up on this offer. It’s a check I would very much like to write. After a few months in Siberia, you should adjust very well. Slowly people will start to forget about you, almost as if you have fallen off the face of the Earth. Any political relevance you may think you had will simply be a distant memory – a bad dream.
Instead of paying attention to you, they might even be forced to pay attention to stuff that is actually relevant to the election, like the unemployment rate or the war in Afghanistan. It will be tough, but I think I speak for the American people when I say that it’s a sacrifice we would be willing to make.