(4/07/11) Incidental Amusements

There are a lot of things in today's society that we've grown to accept, but that in truth are pretty wacky.

Take gum for example. It's essentially a piece of rubber coated in minty flavoring that we gnaw on for hours at a time to give ourselves the illusion of eating.

Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with chewing on some strange composite material, but considering it was originally made to be a sealant I think they could've come up with a slightly more creative name than "chewing gum."

Next up: beards. Hair – on your face. Why does it grow there? No one knows, not even scientists or librarians, and they're pretty smart. My only guess is that when monkeys decided to take the next step and evolve into humans, they figured their faces would be cold.

Beards are most useful for stroking while deep in thought, but they can also be used to create a faux jaw line or to strain soup. Of course, their main function is to make wizards like Gandalf and Dumbledore look cool, so I guess it's possible that wizards invented them at the same time they invented chewing gum.

Then we have Nickelback. C'mon Canada, how could you possibly think that was a good idea?

We put floor mats on the bottoms of our cars, but I really don't see any difference between them and the regular car floor. If you have to vacuum them to clean them anyway, why not just vacuum the floor of the car instead and save yourself 30 bucks? But then again, without matching skull floor mats to go with your flaming skull steering wheel cover, decals, cigarette lighter and trailer hitch, your truck would just look feminine.

Finally, cows. What a stupid animal to eat. All they do is stand around stolidly and chew food that they've already eaten. What made us choose that gassy, mooing creature as our main food source while we've killed off the cool ones like buffalo, dodos and giant turtles?

Imagine driving down the road and passing a grizzly bear farm. Now there's an animal worth eating. Or drinking, if you happen to be straining your bear soup through your beard.