(3/3/2011) Incidental Amusements

Let's take a moment to think about corn. My first thought is how much it used to suck when you were a kid and you had to finish all the corn on your plate before you could go eat dirt, or whatever small children do.

Today, though, I think of corn and I imagine row upon row of golden excellence and find myself filled with patriotic fervor. After all, corn fuels our nation both literally and figuratively, and I think it deserves a better name than "corn." If you don't believe how important it is, try going a week without eating some of it.

As good Americans, we love corn. It fuels our vehicles, sweetens our soft drinks and "the three sisters" (corn, beans and squash) are a key part of every elementary student's education.

If you heat up the kernels long enough, you can pour melted butter on them to create the perfect missile for quieting people who talk in movie theatres.

Corn deserves better than "corn." I propose we change the word to some sexy two- or three-syllable name like "justice," "freedom" or "victory" and possibly pass a law requiring citizens to place a hand over their heart and look off into the distance whenever our blessed crop is mentioned.

I'm just kidding, of course. For one thing, all the words that rhyme with it are bad. Mourn, torn, shorn, porn, forlorn, worn and that metal band from the nineties. "Corny" is hardly a flattering adjective and I'll stop before I get into foot corns, but you get my point.

Ethanol isn't feasible, corn syrup isn't healthy and people have to sweep up the floors in those movie theaters.

Maybe we should try running America on peaches or something. You've never had to clear your plate of them, they're kind of fuzzy and I'd much rather be peachy than corny.

Peach tree mazes wouldn't take too long to escape, but at least you can eat them without flossing immediately after.