(2/17/11) Incidental Amusements

If you're reading this and you haven't seen Epic Meal Time on YouTube, you might want to turn away now. Your stomach may not be prepared for the recipe I'm about to share. Do the crossword, or perhaps peruse the comics.

For those of you with stronger constitutions, Epic Meal Time is a testosterone-fueled cooking show featuring dishes that would probably make even Arnold Schwarzenegger question his masculinity. With dishes like meat salad and the slaughterhouse Christmas special, the cast strives to create the most heart attack-worthy feasts, one slice of bacon at a time.

Because copying people with a death wish is always a good idea, several of my friends and I decided to make a tribute video featuring our own grease-soaked, artery-clogging creation: Frysagna.

Frysagna is the food that food would bake if it had any self-preservation instincts. I'm still avoiding the chicken nuggets in my freezer and it's been nearly three weeks since we grease-fried Frysagna into existence.

To make this dish of death, we deep-fried two bags of French fries and a bag of chicken fries and threw them into a lasagna plate before draping them with a whole bag of shredded cheese. As if that were not enough, we broke out the bacon – because apparently you can't have a manly meal without bacon – and used it to wrap … everything.

Chicken nuggets, mozzarella sticks, and scallops were all enveloped in the meaty embrace of raw bacon and baked until they drowned in their own grease. Each layer of bacon-wrapped insanity was blanketed by a thick layer of shredded cheese.

Since we didn't have enough plates to hold our appetizers, I got a crash course in bacon-weaving as my eyes streamed tears from the grease permeating the air. While our bacon plates fried, we attempted yet another life-threatening experiment —filling a chocolate fountain with four boxes of beef broth to create a fountain of gravy. It actually worked until the pure power of disgusting managed to clog up its inner workings.

When our fried beast was done baking, we bathed it in a mixing bowl full of melted Cheese Whiz and threw our bacon plates, candied bacon and bacon scallops on top. The resulting monstrosity weighed in at a whopping 23,605 calories and 1,578 grams of fat.

Covered in evaporated grease and flecks of Cheez Whiz, we sat down to enjoy our meal. And by "enjoy" I mean "survive."