Tensions remain high between Obama, basketball

This year, Thanksgiving break brought turmoil along with the turkey in the form of a massive threat to national security and international stability. Yes, I am going to sacrifice writing about this last break's wonders of home cooked meals to address "Terror Code Orange: The Basketball Bombing."

    First, the buildup. The situation between President Barack Obama's face and the basketball has been tense for decades, especially since Obama insists on inviting behemoths like LeBron James over to his home court to scrimmage. Technically, the two have been at war for most of Obama's existence.

Most people in the world see the basketball as an oppressive authoritarian entity of evil with a penchant for torture and deceit, so naturally, Obama's face is more popular internationally. What makes things interesting, however, is that the basketball has a short temper and lots of nuclear weapons.

The day after Thanksgiving, the on-going game of around-the-world turned into a slam-dunk competition on the White House court at a morning pick-up game between Obama, his aide Reggie Love, and Rey Decerega, a member of the Congressional Hispanic Caucus Institute. The basketball had the audacity to use Deceraga's elbow to attack the President, causing a deep gash that required 12 stitches to mend.

The days following the attack were full of anxiety and uncertainty. Will Obama need plastic surgery? How will the relationship between the United States and the basketball be affected? Will he be receiving any international aid? And most importantly, what will Michelle think about her husband's new scar?

The president had a previously scheduled basketball game a few days later, but the basketball claimed that there would be "unpredictable consequences" if he played, so he decided to sit on the sidelines and wait for his wound to heal. The president does plan on pursuing his regular basketball routine as soon as possible in spite of the basketball's threats.

Diplomats for both sides and from affected countries like China and Japan are still scrambling to call a time out and simmer down the situation.  Unfortunately, everyone knows that the last few minutes of a basketball game take forever, so we're going to have to wait this one out before we can understand the true implications of such a ruthless, unnecessary and immature act of aggression.

OK, so I honestly have no idea what color "oh crap" is on the terror scale, and North Korea used shells to attack and kill four people, not bombs. What I do know, however, is that in the midst of checking CNN and NPR all Thanksgiving week, headlines shifted from news about impending doom in the Korean peninsula (relevant) to Obama's basketball kerfuffle (not so much). I wasn't really terrified of North Korea; I don't think it has the cajones to start an all-out war. What I am afraid of is a nuclear war without leftovers, however, so I made sure to be aware of the situation just in case.

Even in spite of the very real presence of North Korea's impending attack, I haven't chuckled at America's political priorities so heartily since George W. Bush choked on a pretzel!

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