Incidental Amusements

Good people of Geneseo, I have reason to believe that we have a biblical plague on our hands.

Dismayed students and citizens of our beloved little town are currently facing an onslaught of demonic beetles that seem to have the mystical ability to manifest inside houses where the doors, windows and screens are all shut.

How they manage this remains a mystery, but it's no great leap of logic to assume that they have supernatural backing. The beetles are black and red, clearly a sign that the devil himself, undoubtedly hoping to outdo that job God pulled in Egypt, has sent this swarm to fair Geneseo.

These tiny, nefarious soldiers of Satan must carry some message, but what could it be? Why have the powers that be decided to condemn our humble college to such an awful fate? Was the Quad from Pizza Paul's an abomination that merited termination with extreme prejudice? Is the new shift toward four-credit courses a crime against nature that neither heaven nor hell are willing to tolerate?

Perhaps this is a sign that even the controllers of the universe have grown tired of Ugg boots, Snuggies and pajamas in public - all staples of college life - or perhaps someone below has finally deigned CAS chicken too sinfully stringy to serve. Maybe even the Father of Lies was bummed about the lack of a fall concert - he totally voted for Lady Gaga.

What's next? Will the bear fountain run red with blood? Will showers of fire make us nostalgic for good old slushy Geneseo rain? Will the cows that periodically materialize on the green be smitten down by pestilence? Will the cats of the college be any match for a sudden influx in amphibian and locust life, or will they fall with the rest of us? The humanity!

Most importantly, can brilliant firstborns like myself hope to escape the coming catastrophe, or will the college be forced to accept only spoiled lastborns and mediocre middleborns? Imagine the chaos, the lack of maturity and the whining over the front seat of the van that would inevitably ensue with the loss of such valuable students!

Repent! For soon deathly hail will fall from the sky and college students everywhere will erupt in boils! If we look outside, we can see that the plague of darkness has already descended in the form of bleak, overcast skies.

Wait, never mind. That's just Geneseo.