Incidental Amusements

I had an epiphany.

The other day, after throwing away my incomplete 10-page essay in a Hulk-like fit, I sat frustrated in my townhouse, the paper lying abandoned somewhere behind me. I needed to take my mind off its stupid, smug white face, so I turned toward the window and there it was. The sight struck me with such a dread for the future that I almost would have rather continued my assignment (almost).

The sight? Humans vs. Zombies.

Normally, I am in great support of schoolyard games, especially those that promote learning, camaraderie and any form of violence not specifically directed toward me, but that day was different: that day, I saw and realized the true frivolity of such an exercise.

Let's face it, we're all getting old. I, for one, am already so elderly that I would need all 20 of my fingers and toes to illustrate to a three-year-old exactly how decrepit I am, and I'm only a junior. Think of the seniors: they're basically walking dust-piles at this point.

We need to start thinking about how our actions can be applied to the real world. Humans vs. Zombies cannot help us with that. Not because it's bad, but simply because it is has become woefully redundant in today's world.

Thanks to movies like Resident Evil, 28 Days Later, Night of the Living Dead and Zombieland, I already know how to kill zombies of all kinds: pseudo-zombies, virus-zombies, undead-zombies, zombie-animals, comedic-relief zombies, mutant-Frankenstein-zombies and so on. Should the world ever descend into brain-feasting ruin, I am confident that, equipped with only an apple core and a pile of sandpaper, I could pretty much hold my own.

Granted, not everything needs to be a learning opportunity, but we're in college, and we should leave it feeling educated and prepared for all situations. That's why I recommend we start playing some of the following instead:

1. Humans vs. Squirrels - Those suckers are scary and definitely planning something. Trust me.

2. Humans vs. Unicorns - Laughable myths? Maybe, but those pointy jerks have horns. HORNS. You won't be laughing when your uninformed self goes into battle and gets her eyes gouged out.

3. Humans vs. The Dull Drudgery of Adult Life in Corporate America - … Self-explanatory.

So there you have it. Think of this as my public service announcement for October, the premiere month for bizarre, potentially-supernatural schadenfreude.

If you survive, thank me by writing my essay.