Incidental Amusements

A Gift Worth Giving

Geneseo, I don't need much to feel welcome on your hallowed hills; one sniff of that slightly farm-scented air and I already feel at home.

I spend my summers fused to my loveseat, eating carrot sticks and imagining the day when I can return to the freshmen, classes, clubs and casual conversations that somehow manage to include the phrases "hetero-normative," "rough endoplasmic reticulum" and "body shots" all at the same time. So Geneseo, really, you didn't have to get me anything; you've already done more than enough.

But since you did get me something, Geneseo, I just have to ask: Why silly bands? Why? I know there are budget cuts, and I'm in no place to say anything against an item with the word "silly" in it, but there had to have been something better for you to give us to show us some lovin'.

For example, last Thursday, two goats in Montana were rescued by a cherry picker after being stranded on the ledge of a steel overpass for two days without food or water. Authorities remain unsure as to how the goats managed to find themselves 60 feet above asphalt, but I'm going to take an educated guess and say that they flew, fell from the sky or are the first of an alien species to make contact.

While this may be questionable news for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals supporters and Mother Nature, the evidence of a magical goat pandemic is good news for Geneseo students.

Think about it: either way, these precious animals are showing up, clearly free for the taking. And they can fly. Possibly. Why not take a gamble when the reward could mean showing up to class looking like Thor, riding around in a pimped-out, goat-pulled, gilded chariot?

Sure, some of the rules concerning animals staying at the dorms may need tweaking, but goats seem like a good pet for bending the rules. They eat anything (so bye-bye paying for garbage collection), they're self-sufficient and students can sell (or drink) their milk to help offset those darned tuition costs.

Geneseo, we're only two weeks into the semester, so I beg you to recall those seriously silly bands, and trade them in for a real gift. Don't leave us with silly bands and manic squirrels, treat your students right. Go find a bridge and start harvesting those Billy goats.