Incidental Amusements

Goodbyes are never easy. Maybe you're trying to say goodbye to a dying parent. Maybe you're saying goodbye to an opportunity that has slipped through your fingers. Maybe you're trying to say goodbye to a woman you picked up at the bar who wants to stay for breakfast even though you've already called a cab.

In all cases, goodbyes are usually accompanied by tears. But there will be no tears this time -

not just because I'm too manly and not just because I've started an all-cinnamon diet and no longer have the necessary moisture, but because I feel I've done my job with no regrets.

Sure, I've offended people, embarrassed myself and admitted to a slew of felonies and disgusting perversions, like that time I said I make my girlfriend dress up like JFK so I can shoot her with a BB gun to play into my time traveler fetish. But that was all for fun and because I was tragically born without a sense of shame. Creepily enough, I also can't see dogs. All I hear is barking.

Sometimes I try to think back and remember why I started writing this column. I took it over from a creepy graduate student whose wit was as pathetic as his constant attempts to pick up the managing editor. I was asked to write a column and it was well-received. Because I'd had experience writing a humor column called "Not Quite Newsworthy" during high school, I figured it would be something I might enjoy doing.

I was right, for the most part, but it didn't stop me from writing my columns the day before the paper got put together. I think one thing I liked most about doing this column was the ability to lie to strangers. I lied my ass off, my two-ham-hocks-covered-in-subcutaneous-cottage-cheese ass off.

After graduation I'll be back home on Long Island, attending the City College of New York to get my Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing while returning to my disturbing summer job: Writing stories for children at That is not a joke, I actually write stories for children. Me, voted Most Likely To Inform Neighbors that I'm Moving into the Neighborhood by the 2010 graduating class. Even though I'll be gone, I know my legacy as the legend I so rightly deserve to be will live on at this campus.

This being my last column, I suppose I'd like to give some thanks to the people who have made my column such a hit. I'd like to thank Goings On Editor, sophomore Maris Finn, as well as Opinion Editor, junior Aaron Davis, and former Managing Editor Cassandra Visconti, class of '09. I'd also like to thank my friends at GSTV including Cory Alverson, class of '08 and juniors Dan Clark and Jack Silano for being such good sounding boards. And of course, I owe thanks to my girlfriend for taking each week's defamation in stride.

Finally, I'd like to thank my fans, specifically senior Christine Treimanis and the girls of the Pan-Hellenic Council. Without fans, I'd just be talking to myself, and they'd make me go back on my meds. To you, current and graduating students of Geneseo, I say: Keep life "Amusing."