Incidental Amusements

This article is very hard for me to write, not because it's dealing with a complicated issue - it's more of a physical difficulty in raising my arms.

Wednesday was the Food Expo; the magical day once a semester where food providers vie for Campus Auxiliary Services contracts. It is a glorious day for gluttony, but in my four years I've seen too many overeager students doubled over with stomach pains from overeating. I've had years of experience with these expos, gaining knowledgeable insight and hardly noticeable weight each time. I think I can give some pointers to make the most of this window of free food:

1. Stretch: Like any athletic endeavor, proper stretching is important. Making sure your legs are ready is doubly important because you're going to be carrying a lot of weight around with you, first in samples and packaged food and later in folds and jiggling fat.

2. Come Prepared: Conventional wisdom would tell you to come hungry, but conventional wisdom has all sorts of ridiculous claims and sayings like "Beer before Ipecac, never been sicker." Sure, feeling hungry will give you the idea that you can eat a lot, but you're not used to handling that quantity of food. I suggest prepping with years of overeating and little to no exercise until you can prick yourself and measure the awesomeness in your veins.

3. Learn Food Expo Etiquette: Specifically, that there is none. It is every man, woman, child, man-child and mannish woman for himself. This is not the military, people: I will and usually do leave people behind. Keep in mind that it's going to get crowded in the Ballroom so don't be afraid to use those elbows. It's dog-eat-dog out there, especially around the "discount meat" table.

4. Pacing: The slower you eat, the more aware you are. This is a problem. As far as I remember, when I went to the Expo, I ate one long, multi-flavored string of food. Granted, it made rating the foods a bit difficult but I just wrote in "the cheesy, buffalo chocolate fish thing" as my top pick. My apologies if they actually develop this food for next year, but this leads us into our final rule.

5. Ruin the Menu for Returning Students: Since I'm graduating, I don't really care what gets added to the menu. But I do care about cruel humor, so I made sure that if it were soy-based, organic or heart-healthy it would be on next years' menu. Don't look at me like I'm a monster. The class before me thought it would be funny to request gluten-free food. Instead of being mad, just pass it on to the following generation. Class of 2011, maybe you could request a menu option for foods that won't be fully digested in your poo. Imagine: a table of corn kernels, grass and Barbie heads (don't ask, just take my word for it). A semester of that will make next year's Food Expo even grander.