Incidental Amusements

There are laws in this great country of ours to protect the rights of disenfranchised groups. In these Obama-driven, post-racial times we have no need for petty bigotry and discrimination.

You know who still does that? Those filthy Dutch. But we're better than that. Or at least, that's what I thought until I came down with a cough and sore throat.

I used to be "just one of the guys," doing guy stuff. We'd mess around, share cans of soda, watch the game, breathe on each other's faces, you know, male bonding. As soon as I started showing symptoms it was like I was a whole different person to them … to everyone, really.

When I showed up to work at my internship hacking up phlegm as I often do these days, they told me they didn't want me in their office. I was so undesirable that they wouldn't even let me work for free; all of this because I'm epidemiologically different. But I'm still the same Jeremy you've all come to know and worship, for Jeremy's sake!

I don't understand why we "infected Americans" are thought of as being worse or inferior to you "normals." What can you do that I can't? If anything, getting sick has greatly aided my ability to multitask. Now I can make copious amounts of mucus and small-d--- jokes at the same time. And then there's my coughing. You normals seem to cringe whenever I do it - especially on your food - but I don't see how it's any different than the music you listen to nowadays. They're both awful.

Also, a lot of famous, important people were sick. Where would we be without the contributions of Typhoid Mary, Alphonso Ausgustus Gonorrhea or that monkey in Outbreak? One could argue that their illnesses made them great. And dead, I suppose. Maybe I'll just take some medicine and lie down.