The winter season is blowing in and bringing all its ill-health effects with it. We're already familiar with the common ailments like colds, the flu, genital icicling and, of course, the yearly mass-migrations of people off tall buildings and bridges like lemmings or Cornell students. But this winter, I will not sit idly by and let what is perhaps the most prevalent and painful of all sub-zero syndromes ravage the perky young flesh of my beloved campus.
I hope you will join me as I petition Lauderdale to take a proactive stance and launch a campaign for nipple health. The nipple, known to many less-than-reputable HMO doctors as "nature's super soaker," is often a silent victim of cold winter temperatures. I will lay out a comprehensive plan of action I hope the college will follow in order to teach you all how to keep your nipples safe.
1. One of the easiest ways to be nipple-smart is not to expose them to the cold. I know it just seems like good manners to flash me the girls when I pass by, and I am truly touched so many of you like my column, but a high-five or a phone number would suffice, at least until the spring thaw.
2. I have already followed the wise example of literally millions of high school girls and begun stuffing my shirt with tissues to give my nipples a protective barrier against the cold.
3. The timeless American film "A Christmas Story" warned us all about the dangers of sticking your tongue to a cold flagpole. Just released to the seediest back alleys of Rochester, my new film "A Christmas Whore-y" attempts to apply the same basic moral to nipple rings and stripper poles. So remember: every time it's cold, your nipples stand up for you. Now it's time to stand up for them.