Lombardo: An election debate on truth serum

We join the presidential debate already in progress…

Jim Lehrer: Senator McCain, go back to your podium. You cannot address your opponent and you cannot try to tackle him.

John McCain: But he started it.

Barack Obama: Act your age, John. We expect more from a man that got shot down in the Revolutionary War.

JM: Your pig cosmetics comment about my running mate was offensive!

BO: Well, you said the same thing about Hillary Clinton.

JM: Yeah, but you said it about America's sweetheart. I took a crack at America's angry mother-in-law.

BO: I was just lashing out because I'm afraid America has forgotten about its love affair with me. Ever since you-know-who came on the scene she's been the big story. She's even better looking than me.

JM: Get used to it, Barack. Eight years ago I was you. The press loved me and the voters loved me. But just like you, a young social conservative governor stole my flame. You're even turning into me - a bitter old white man who will do anything to win.

BO: But I can change!

JM: Oh, and you will. You'll embrace partisan rhetoric, abandon your uplifting message and marry a rich socialite.

BO: But my dream of change!

JM: You'll have a new dream of living in the White House. I would trade all the houses my wife owns just to rent out 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for four years. Hell, I don't even want to live in the residency. I'd be content with a cot in the situation room, so I can get an early start in the morning on bombing Iran.

BO: John, you've lost it.

JM: Hey hippy, while you were breast feeding, I was imagining the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform in a prison camp in Vietnam. Did I mention I'm a POW?

BO: My life story is compelling too: I was a community organizer.

JM: Wow! You're qualified to be a guidance counselor, or maybe the Mayor of Wasilla. Just because you kept some kid off drugs doesn't mean you should have the launch codes.

BO: That's what you think! I'm going to give the U.N. control of our nuclear capabilities. Why can't we just talk out our problems? Germany loves me, I'm sure they've got our back.

JM: You'll do what? "Talk out our problems?" Ally us with the Krauts? The only one who would benefit from group therapy is you and President Ahmadinejad.

BO: I'd be tough on him. Confront him with my feelings, and let him know America disapproves of his conduct.

JM: America, do you hear that? This guy is going to talk to someone who doesn't believe in the Holocaust.

BO: It's the economy, stupid. People aren't scared of terrorist attacks if they don't have homes and jobs to live for.

JM: Wait a second, you're saying something is wrong with the economy? Have we tried more deregulation or cutting earmarks? I hate earmarks. Never been a fan of ears in general.

JL: And this ends the first of three presidential debates. Tune in to PBS on Oct. 2 for the vice presidential debate, and watch as Joe Biden makes Sarah Palin look like Tina Fey's dumb twin while simultaneously making himself look like a giant ass.

Dave Lombardo is a senior political science major who urges all potential online commentors to first Wikipedia the term "satire."